So you cringe with self-disgust every time that you look into the mirror. Both the glass mirror and that which exists in the innermost part of you that no one else has access to. You can’t bear the reflection that stares at you and it makes you shudder with self-loath. You can’t help thinking, ‘I’m pathetic!’ So what do you do when you hate yourself so much and cannot do anything about the cause of your self-loathe?
Often, the things that might make you dislike yourself so much are qualities that you cannot control or change. These may be;
- Your physical appearance
- Physical/mental disability
- Psychological challenges; mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, etc
- Memories; of abuse, rejection, failure, loss, or embarrassment
- Body size, function, or weight
- Low self-esteem
- The way others treat you
Do you know what makes you hate yourself?
There are one or two things that are causing your self-hate. And it’s the things you ruminate over every time you sink into that dark hole of despair and worthlessness. If you are not sure yet, you need to identify and isolate the trigger of your self-hate. This is important for you to start working on the object of your pain while being aware of the awesome things about yourself.
Can you change it?
This is a crucial question. Remember that it does not help to stress so much over things that you cannot change. But I guess that’s the more reason why you hate yourself, isn’t it? The fact that you are powerless to change that thing that makes you hate yourself.
And this is the most painful part of all; hopelessness and helplessness. The numbing feeling that you have no power whatsoever over something that is part of you. And people just don’t understand that you are trying so hard to be ‘normal’ (whatever that means). You wish you could swap bodies or minds, but you can’t.
If you can change the thing you hate in a healthy and moral way, focus more on that task rather than focusing on feeling bad about it. The feeling of self-hate literally numbs and paralyses you and you might not have the strength to get up and do something tangible. Try to drive all your energy to your task of changing that thing.
The best example is weight; if you dislike yourself because you are too big or too thin, focus your energies on losing or gaining weight.
Again remember that some things are genetic. You might ingest two thousand chocolate bars in one month and still remain skinny. At this point, top trying to gain and rather ride on your size by exploring the best looks and outfits ideal for your body.
Practice being the ideal you
This is what to do when you hate yourself, especially if the thing you hate so much is a character, attitude, mental or psychological trait. Fake it until you make it!
This doesn’t mean you must become a fake identity or you must start pretending to be someone else. No, that is a recipe for a bigger and more lethal disaster.
For instance, I realise that I tend to overthink things and this makes me overreact or see things that are not there. Because of this, I find myself regretting my words, actions, and reactions to people most of the time. I wish I could not overthink or overreact. I wish I could be calm, logical, reflective, and not petty. So, I research these qualities and learn from others to practice them in relation to my character. Follow these steps;
- Identify the quality about you that you hate.
- Identify the qualities that you admire in comparison to what you dislike.
- Practice how to be the way you want to be.
- Take a step at a time. Trying to change too many things might frustrate you especially if the results are slow. If you have more than two things on your list, work them one at a time.
- Do this for yourself; It’s human nature to stick to the bad that you once were rather than focusing on the good you’re trying to do. If you want to change yourself for someone else or for people to appreciate/love you better, you are likely to fail. People rarely notice when you do good. Change for yourself, for you to love and appreciate yourself and feel good about who you are. Change so that you earn self-respect.
Learn to deal with a relapse
You must understand that whatever part of your character or personality that you dislike was brewed by genetics, past experiences, exposure, and memories. Some things are hard to shake off no matter how hard you try.
This is not to say you must anticipate failure, no. You must always have hope that you’re gonna make it to your little place of heaven called self-love and self-respect.
I don’t want you to crawl in a ball of self-pity when six weeks after trying so hard to change something and love yourself better, you find yourself self-hating even harder. Once in a while, you might find yourself experiencing those moments of deep sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, etc. But that doesn’t mean you are a failure or that you have failed.
So many things can cause a relapse. Especially the people around you that might treat you the same old way they used to or they just don’t see or appreciate your efforts. When you relapse, this is what you must/must not do so you don’t hate yourself more;
- Remember, it’s just a phase, it will pass.
- Don’t do anything stupid or self-destructive during a relapse.
- Give yourself a break.
- Do something awesome to help it pass faster, spoil yourself.
- Don’t take anyone down with you.
- Don’t lash out at those around you or punish them with grave silence, they might be just as scared as you are at what you are going through.
- Talk to a professional, or someone mature and trustworthy.
- Find ways to self-soothe.
- When the storm is over, get back to work and carry on from where you left off. Don’t give up.
Remember to celebrate and amplify the good things about you
It’s most likely that the thing that you hate so much about yourself might overshadow all the other good things about you. But don’t let this happen. Take advantage of your naturally good attributes that you don’t have to struggle to perfect and shine.
Don’t neglect the gold in you, polish it till it gleams so brightly that it blots out the black of your flaws.
You are not as pathetic as you think or feel.
Learn 12 ways of practicing self-love here.
